I am writing this with despair.
I just went to our department’s office to submit my thesis proposal. I knew it was late. My professor told me days ago. Yet again, I still went for a luck.
Obviously, it didn’t turn out magical. The staff showed me the calendar. He pointed out the date. I was 9 days late. With a farewell message, he said I could try again next semester. I was flabbergasted.
There are moments in life like this where it’s easier to find something or someone to blame. Should I blame on the lack of communications me and my Prof had? Should I blame it to those countless of time I chose to do leisure things? Should I blame it to my recklessness and laziness? Should I blame it to my Prof? the Admin? the new policy? my part-time works? I can pick one and blame it all at once.
All this happened because of me. I made wrong choices and that I have to deal with the consequences. What are the consequences, you may ask?
First, I have to pay tuition by myself. My scholarship ended as I have already stayed for 2 years. Nonetheless, I have worked so much I knew I could afford another semester. But is it wiser to waste money? It’s definitely a poorer choice compared to saving the money for employment purposes or at least going back home this pandemic. Do I have the choice at the moment? No.
Next is the fact that having thesis still lurking, simply sucks. I could have finished it like one to two semesters ago like the way I planned. Was it materialize? Of course not. The pandemic (insert blah blah excuses) did not make it easier, either. However, getting that MS degree and start another chapter is undeniably better way to start your 2021, right? Are my hands already tightened? Bureaucratically speaking, yes.
Lastly, I would be spending another few months away from home. Those semesters which I somehow diverted to other stuff could be used to spend time my family again. Is it worth to waste another semester? Practically speaking, yes. It’s only affirmative because I had full control over my past decisions. Poor choices.
The consequences I will be facing again are more or less the same consequences my friends and classmates faced when they extended their study. I have asked so many questions to myself – even yet, blamed myself for it. Was extending that bad? Were all of them who extended suffered so much because of it? Did I fail myself again for setting goal that will not be achieved yet? Am I a failure?
Probably.
Probably not, and it’s only because I can do something about it moving forward.
In contrast, it’s quite surprising how many circumstances lead you to react differently each time it happens. I guess I have mastered choosing poorer choices that I’d take the result as it is and do something about it. Well, “the doing something about it” part is not necessarily true all the time. I’m probably more complacent yet forgiving to myself. Perhaps, I’m so done thinking things over and over again while receiving criticisms in between. I’d normally react in the most dramatic way whenever I chose to disclose my situation and earned a threat. God forbids. At times, I really feel so overwhelmed and frustrated that I’d simply burst into tears out of nowhere – getting signatures or at night before sleep. I will be so stressed out doing too much or not doing anything at all. But as long as I take care of these “frustrations”, my time is slipping away and the main task remains unfulfilled. Had I listen to other people’s criticisms will I let my self-esteem be affected. Seriously, I did consider giving sh*t when at the end of the day, I will have face all of these alone. Things that never actually matter, will start to matter.
So how am I learning after all of these? I learned to be in the present and tell myself that the only way to go is move forward. Hours after I shed some tears, I felt more relieved. I check social media posts that make me feel better- person, nature, food and babies. I refused to read anything that would trigger my anxiety. I protected my sanity long enough until I’m ready to face people again. I finished my last shift with such calmness. I learned that no single mistake will be rectified backwards, especially if each decision being made moving forward, won’t benefit the end goal. I learned to focus on today and the tasks I need to accomplish. Regretting becomes unnecessary.
Nobody had it worst. So, I will be okay.
M.I.C.H.A.E.L.A 